I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
