i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
tell your sister to shave her snatch
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
