You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
