Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
