i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
