6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
