Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
