if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
