I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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