don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I want her autograph on my taint
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Randomize
