bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
