Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
