Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
