I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
