first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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