I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
