Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
