I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
