i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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