i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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