went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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