I faked an abortion last night.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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