I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
