It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
