did you get engaged???
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
