You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
