I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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