12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My cat gives me a boner
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
