I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
