I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
