When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
