here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
