Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
love makes seman taste better
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
