what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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