Four minutes until I can fart!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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