I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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