You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
