Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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