we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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