So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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