Grow some girl-balls and come out already
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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