Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
