I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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