its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
