i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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