We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
