god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
If that was your dad, he is hot
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
