I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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