Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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