she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
